This hour has 86 minutes (tragi-comedy in blogland)

Good lord do I ever feel like crap. Actually I feel like jet lag on stale bread with a side of mint booze. Not that I feel like having mint booze but I feel as unsavoury as mint booze.

I felt so anxious about my blog post last night, or rather hopeless, that after finally going to bed at 01:30 (after dealing with overseas business), I couldn’t sleep until about 04:00. Yet, I’d been in relatively good spirits before that post. This is what makes me think I should give up blogging.

But the real reason I should give up blogging is because I blog selfishly. I expect something impossible out of it: perfect likes-to-views ratios. Which is ridiculous. And besides, if I’m going to blog, I should do it as some kind of service only. (*Even* if only as pure entertainment. In which case it should be *decent* entertainment, not self-absorbed entertainment. Right?

Right.

How does one recover from the stupidest post ever written?

Well, first of all one waits until the SelfControl block one placed 5.5 hours ago is lifted – 1h26m left to go.

Then, I guess one apologizes.

===
Dear friends,

Sorry for that last post.
I’m having issues. (Obviously).
Working on them.
Thanks to those of you who were kind enough to support me though this.
I realized something – now that I’m not blogging every day, and back to doing some private writing again, coming back with a post like that is sort of like you’re missing part of the dialogue – or like a chapter got dropped.

I’ll try to sum it up, briefly – I went to Canada to help plan and attend my mom’s sudden memorial. I gave the opening speech – it was long and beyond terrible. Thankfully there were a bunch of other people who saved the day. My mom would have loved it as a whole, but more so if she could have been there in person. Lots of music, and a few incredibly kind and brave and conscientious friends said very beautiful and brief words.

At the after party, I didn’t drink nor smoke pot (which is now legal in BC; there are cannabis stores everywhere) along with the in-crowd. I furtively blogged simple rhymes instead, and wondered if that was really any better than openly drinking and smoking pot with the in-crowd. (Yes, it was, for me, I decided, for now at least.)

===
Screw it. Keep it simple or die.

===
Dear friends,

Sorry for that last post.
I’m having issues. (Obviously.)
Working on them.

Thanks to those of you who were kind enough to support me though this. You’ve been wonderful and lovely, it means more than I’m capable of expressing properly, and I truly appreciate it.

Sending lots of love,

xo n

===
Hmm. How about not mention the post. Maybe then it will magically disappear. No matter what that social media recovery article says.

===
Dear friends,

Sorry I’ve been a bit “off,” lately.
I’m having issues. (Obviously.)
Working on them.
I’ll try to come back on a “good” day. :))
Thanks to those of you who were kind enough to support me though this. You’ve been wonderful and lovely, it means more than I’m capable of expressing properly, and I truly appreciate it.

Sending lots of love, and heaps of gratitude for your understanding,

xo n

 

***

This is the face of mental health. Tragically Unhip.
Truly friends, thanks a million. You’ve been amazing. I am fine.  xo n

p.s. I’ve just seen some of your latest amazing comments – thank you from the bottom of my heart – I will reply very shortly.

 

 

29 thoughts on “This hour has 86 minutes (tragi-comedy in blogland)

  1. Ah, you’re a sweetheart and I was thrilled to see you back in blogland. I was suffering from my own mental piffle which rendered me mute. We’re so rough on ourselves, hey? Whatever you decide is right for you, is ok. And you’re more than ok. ❤ Welcome back!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks David
      for this cheering comment.
      I’d thought it was moon flower, actually, that’s what I first titled it too, but when I searched for an image I realized moonflower is actually a kind of morning glory and moonwort was the common name of this moneypenny/moonseed plant. I felt disgruntled.
      Was it Auvergne?! I didn’t know that, I did visit the starry night café in Arles though, with the fam, and we also danced on the pont d’Avignon, or rather under it, since on it there were too many tourists. 😎🌻

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The anxiety is why so many of us creative types end up addicts. While I wouldn’t say wake and bake (and then keep it going all day) is the answer, maybe a joint wouldn’t be so bad.

    (and then we remember you’re back in france.)

    Damn. Nevermind.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I soooooo did not get along with weed. Whenever I tried it, it just made me silly then sleepy. Wine however…. ahhh. I’m definitely going to complete my full year of abstention, will see how it goes after that. You do remember that I drunk-comment-replied you once though, right? Hmm. At least, I remember. Eek.

      Liked by 2 people

        1. Yes Annie, I got a little tangled in my brainwaves; sometimes publishing something changes the way I feel about a piece of writing… what felt healing can afterwards warp into a painful struggle, rooted in self-acceptance issues, possibly my biggest ongoing challenge to overcome.

          Like

            1. Already into it, and have written much about the inner critic too, mostly in morning pages… made friends with it, etc… it’s an ongoing practice. ;)) Thanks Annie for caring xo

              Like

      1. If’n The Pot doesn’t agree with you, then definitely give it a pass. It agrees with me, a little too much, which is why it’s probably for the best it is not legal here.

        I don’t remember the drunk-comment-reply. Funny how those chringe-worthy moments aren’t as memorable to others as they are to us, huh? Ha.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. And about the pot, yes interesting thought on whether legalization increases usage or not… my suspicions are yes, briefly, but over the long run, not… just a wild guess though. I think choices and regulation are good things.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I agree. If they ever did legalize recreational marajuana, I’d likely go on a bender for a while, probably a month or so of weekends lost to the purple haze. But eventually doing nothing gets old. I’ve got stuff I want to do.

            Liked by 1 person

            1. I did notice a few signs of purple haze happening over there. It may take a decade or two for it to clear.
              Much as I like the beats of that old Cypress Hill song, from what I could tell I don’t think hits from the bong have a good effect on lifetime achievement abilities, as you hint at.

              Liked by 1 person

  3. I, too, have a “perfect likes-to-views ratio”. I need to get likes on 50% of the post views or I get in a funk. That’s *post views* as opposed to page views. My page-view-to-like-ratio is unbearably low. I don’t want to talk about it. I have no idea what post you’re referring to. The one where you talk about going anonymous? If that’s it, you’re being unnecessarily hard on yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. On your stats page I call the ‘views’ page view (an time anyone opens my blog). And the the number of times it show the individual post being read i call ‘post views’. My own little obsession. I’m trending low on today’s post. But I never post in the middle of a work day so I don’t know what to expect.

        Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Matthew, I have admittedly been a bit of a mess in my head, but thankfully the busy days keep any wallowing at well at bay, and poetry is therapeutic. Thanks again dear friend, your comment is very kind.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. You never need to apologize for one of your posts! They’re so thoughtful and beautifully expressed! It sounds like you’ve been through a lot lately. Sorry to hear about your Mom. Stop being so hard on yourself! You’re a genius! And you would be missed if your readers can’t find you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. She grows stronger day and nights plus resists temptations 👏 👏 Keep it up Nadine and no need for apologizing. I began blogging with a sole purpose of making lots of money, but now blog to make myself happy. If I like it, I post it and it has been too long since I last checked my statistics. I was obsessed with them but now barely every notice, except for comments. I hope you are still enjoying exercising. Right? 🤗🤗🤓😇

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey, Joseph, I love this comment so much. Don’t we all start with that hope, and then end up continuing with the same feeling, if we continue – to make ourselves happy? I love how you just say it like it is. Also to hear about your detachment from stats. I feel I’m allllmost on the cusp of being there, just a few more crazy posts and maybe a few rants to go. ;))) Yes Joseph, I still despise exercising, absolutely ;)) but I do it anyway, since the good feeling comes from “having done it.” You’re a total inspiration my friend. 🤗🙏💪🤙🖖👼🧘🏽‍♀️🤸🏾‍♂️

      Liked by 1 person

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