Ghosted notes from under spring

I laid awake in bed for hours, imagining instructional poems I’d write on my poetry site. Fell asleep again; had a strange dream about a re-do of our mother’s memorial. A neighbour in another land had arranged for me to host it — for those who hadn’t made it to the first.

Unlike at the first memorial, when other kind souls had done most of the work while I socialized with long-unseen nearest and dearest, this time I hid in the back kitchen, preparing food and laying it out on rows of long buffet self-serve tables. I also laid out a table of unwanted clothes to give away.

Unseen guests kept arriving, to take both the food and the clothes; or at least, the food and clothes disappeared, gradually, as if by magic. It seemed I’d successfully killed two corpses with one stone.

My sister came to join me; a sunny surprise. I confided that I felt terribly guilty for not going out and socializing with the invisible-to-us guests in the big dining hall, as they ate the laid-out food. She agreed she felt the same. It was overwhelming; and how could we begin to have meaningful interactions with all of these loved ones, in the little time we had.

And wasn’t all this in-person meeting illegal anyway, in the time of coronavirus? (I’d accidentally kissed one guest on the cheek as they arrived in the back door, out of habit; before they’d evaporated to go dine. There’d been gasps of horror stifled amongst the disappearing crowd.)

The dream-guests felt bad they could not help us with our remote and seeming nonsensical grief. Their frustrated sadness turned into waves of resentment that found no home, wandering aimless.

IMG_1482-Copyright-NadineJL-NJL@bloomwords.com-PaintingByLucie-DreamGhosts.jpeg

Image (and text): © Nadine JL; painting by Lucie (my mother, RIP).

62 thoughts on “Ghosted notes from under spring

          1. Good to know. Yes Nadine all is well. I haven’t stepped out of my apartment for more than 40 days. Am enjoying the peace. Am blessed – have no responsibilities 😊🙏

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  1. The forced confinement, gives so that the imagination takes us to unsuspected paths in dreams. I enjoyed reading you.
    It is seen that the genes of art are carried in the blood. Your mother’s painting is very good. Very impressive.
    Greetings
    Manuel

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    1. So true! It really does do that. It’s a great time for introspective creativity, if we let it be. Thanks very much for the encouraging words, Manuel. xoxoxo

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    1. Thanks, dear Punam. Yes, it’s a beauty, this one, I agree. I am proud of my mom indeed; she was one wonderful human being. And remains, to me, a beautiful soul shining through the creative works she left behind. May it be the same for all of us. :))) xoxox

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  2. Dear Nadine. That dream was loaded with items for you to reflect upon. There are multiple symbolic messages, too. Do you have a “dream group”? Would you like to know more about your self and this dream? They may assist you in unfolding all sorts of possible interpretations of this dream? Specifically “re-doing your mothers memorial” may be filled with a lot of important substance. At least as I have come to know you during the years. I feel strong respect for you and your dream. /Göran

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    1. Dear Göran… I think I know the meanings. Some are practical, since we had to cancel our mother’s real-life European memorial due to coronavirus (it was scheduled for two weeks ago)… and others are mingled in, and more “blogophorical” (as I like to say), i.e. creativity-related. I love this idea of a “dream group”… I used to study and practice lucid dreaming, though I never got much good at it. Well, I guess I have a dream group, unofficial though it is… and you are an (unofficial) member, along with many others here… in my mind at least. :)) Thanks again for this, I always appreciate your thoughtful feedback. xo nadine

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  3. Hi Nadine, thank you for sharing this dream, it resonated with me strongly although your reality was the better experience vs the dream. There’s an easy way to analyze dreams. Write the dream down with details then circle words that stand out, write 3-4 descriptions for each circled word. When you read the dream again with the included descriptions, it’s a way to interpret your dream symbolism. I wished that my mother’s wake was a different experience, because of the corona virus we couldn’t gather together for a meal or at the funeral home either. I wasn’t really allowed to participate, (I wanted to read a poem for her during her eulogy) but I wasn’t included because I was the black sheep of my family. I wish I could have had an alternative wake where my mom’s life was celebrated as a human being, not just as a Christian, which was my family’s entire focus.

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    1. Dear Judy, thank you so much for this lovely comment… I have read parts of your story, and what you have had to suffer, and the light you shine in spite of it is awe-inspiring. It would be I think devastating to feel silenced when wanting to speak for one’s own mother. I had the opposite experience, I was first to speak and I made an absolute mess of it. Luckily it didn’t matter since the others there were very loving and tolerant. I wish it had ben the same for you.

      I can certainly and wholeheartedly understand your wanting to celebrate your mother as a human being apart from any religion, and I wish along with you, that you will somehow be able to do that. Sending much love, and heartfelt condolences for your loss. You’re a true love warrior. Hugs 💕🙏🌷 xoxoxo

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      1. Thank you for your kindness, Nadine❤️, I feel your graciousness in what you write and how you view the world. I’m honored with your compliment, I feel like a cranky hermit not a love warrior 🙂 but thank you for the reminder🌸. Complaining/anger hides the sadness. I think your writings about your mom are beautiful and your eulogy was probably wonderful and from your heart. I like your suggestion that I can celebrate my mother in the way that I wanted to. Thank you for inspiring me to heal the experience, your supportiveness is helping me to process the negative into a positive. Hugs to you too❣️🙏🤗🌷

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        1. Wow… what a wonderful comment to enliven my morning. I too am much like a hermit crab at the best of times, so I completely hear you on that!! :)) Thanks so much for your own healing words here, like a balm for my soul. I truly appreciate it, Judy. Thanks again. 🥰🤗💕🙏🌻

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            1. Judy… I left a comment on your Memoir post… did you not receive it? I worry since I feel like many of my comments are not getting through to people lately… no worries if you choose not to publish comments at the moment; I completely understand… just want to know if it is that or some other WP glitch happening yet again. Hugs xoxoxo

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              1. Hi Nadine, I temporarily closed my comments and then forgot to check to see if I had any! Thank you for your wonderful comment💖, reading your words is both comforting and inspiring. You have a natural counseling/healing ability, I think you bless people with your awareness and perception💖🙏😘❣️

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                1. This is so kind, Judy… and very uplifting, especially to read now, in this very tired end-of-day moment. Thank you so for shining a bit of your lovely light over here… it’s very healing. ((( 💛)))

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  4. Lucie painting really captures our current times, and your dream is vivid.
    We are living in interesting times and I’m feeling it in my heart that things will get much worse.
    I hope now. Your mother’s painting is brilliant and ahead of its time. Bless you my friend.
    Hugs from me to you.

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    1. I hear you loud and clear on those feelings, Charlie… and feel much the same, yet always reaching for hope, since it’s the only thing that can save each of us in the end. And the more we spread it, while remaining truthful, the better it will be. Thank you so much for your wonderfully kind words Charlie, they mean a lot to me as do you and yours. Hugs back. :)) xoxoxo

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  5. Your mom was such a talented artist, I love her painting, such depth and magic and feeling within. Do you paint too Nadine? I feel like you could or should (if you don’t). Your dream was so detailed and symbolic. Thank you for sharing it.

    Lots of love dear friend
    Xoxox

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    1. Thanks for the kind words, Rachel… means a lot. I have painted… but I was awfully perfectionist, would work one canvas for months and never be happy with it. So, I never got very fluid at it (though I did used to draw very well). What I realized many years after that (via writing practice) was that my mom, and other good painters, would just crank out a work and move on… ending up with a few very good pieces in the end that were born of true flow.

      Thanks again for your kind words dear friend… hope you are well. Sending hugs. xoxoxox

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    1. Aw Pam that is such a lovely compliment… thanks very, very much. She would have loved this comment. Though I’m quite self-critical she was, more often than not, my biggest cheerleader.

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  6. Dear Nadine and Judy Kim
    From the above conversation between you two, I conclude that I may get a substantial gain from redoing my own funeral ceremony with respect to my mother. Through the years, my demands on my parents have been high. Unseasonably high. Matching a deeply engraved feeling of disappointment.
    In my recent writing about ”My father”, I just happened to reconnect to my love for him. I just did write on and suddenly I had to conclude from my own text that my lifelong disappointment with him was obsolete. After 62 years! Your conversation makes me eager to work towards a personal redo of my funeral ceremony with my mother. Thank you, Judy and Nadine!
    Göran

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    1. Wow!!! Göran, what a beautiful and kind message from you… honestly, such a lovely surprise… can’t thank you enough. Means the world… I’m so happy that you were able to connect with your love for your father. The world blooms when we see others through the lens of compassion… easier said than done, much of the time, I know that’s the case for me at least. Thanks for your thanks, seriously can’t say enough how much it means… and your timing is amazingly on key, in the way it helps me… hugs. xoxox

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      1. This is one element of huge value with you, Nadine. We seem to communicate at some wavelength known to both of us. In spite of formal training as an engineer in electronics and radiocommunication, I am unable to define this wavelength. In fact, I think radio-science has not been able to create knowledge about this white area of the map. In fact, we ought to disregard the demands for science in certain areas of highest value to mankind.

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  7. Dear Nadine…dreams are so important! They give us messages and signs and help us work things out in often, abstract ways. Sometimes it’s about unravelling things, and making some sense of things that do not seem to make sense in the real world. They connect us with the world of Spirit too or so I have read and do believe. Be open to your dream state. Do you keep a dream journal Nadine? Sometimes it’s good to keep a journal close by so that you can write it down upon waking. Your recall in this dream seems so vivid. There is so much going on I the World, and the World has changed so much in such a short space of time. With the loss of your Mum and with the changes we are all seeing, there is so much to digest and reflect upon. A beautiful post! Your Mum’s painting has so much depth! There is so much within it as the eye in drawn in. Truly hope you and your family are keeping well. Keep writing and reflecting and of course dreaming! Sending you love and hugs 🙂 xoxoxo

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    1. Thank you, lovely friend!!! Dreams are indeed important, and very helpful to analyze. In this case, this blog was my dream journal… :))) Thanks again, Liola, always love your comments. 😊🙏💕

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  8. Firstly, I love your mum’s painting. I was about to comment again on you always finding such fantastic art for your posts (which you do) when I saw who it had been painted by. Marvellous work. Hope you’re still doing okay, pal, and totally impressed that you’re still giving a nod to the coronavirus regulations in the dream world! 😉

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  9. It was such an immense pleasure to read this. There’s a creativity, and tones of emotional flaring up under the beautiful surface. But at the surface its the most colorful, most artistic articulation of an experience, an exposure to imagination with a hint of memory. You’re an incredible talent, a brilliant, brilliant mind. Thank you. 🙂

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    1. Watt… what an incredibly beautiful comment. It’s a work of art in itself and means more to me in this moment than I can possibly say. You’ve done me a huge and generous kindness. Thank you, so very very much. 🙏💛🌻

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  10. Hope everything is okay with you, pal. Not heard from you on WP for a few weeks. Missing your customary wit and intelligence! Feel free to delete this message but thought I’d drop you a line as I know you’ve been going through some stuff recently.

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    1. Omg, so so sweet. Thanks Matthew. Have been missing yours as well, honest truths. I’ve been binging over in poetryland but honestly need to try to unhook myself from the drip for a bit. Things need getting done. Hugs and thanks again.

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  11. Both your mom’s painting and your dream are powerful. You are still young in your grief. Do treasure these ways of processing, eventually, all of this fades, and while life goes on and our feelings mature, we (I) will always have a certain nostalgia for the process. Thanks for sharing yours with us. Dr. Bob

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  12. WOW! That’s beautiful! Your Mom’s painting is very expressive and your words are amazing! The last line, “Their frustrated sadness turned into waves of resentment that found no home, wandering aimless.” omg. I’m blown away by that.

    I wondered where you were and I hope you post more of your writing real soon!

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    1. Now it’s my turn to say wow… Chris, this really really means a lot to me. I love and respect your art, and the way you matter-of-factly blog about the processes behind it… and the fact that you “get” what this post was expressing really makes me feel like it was worth something, in spite of its feelings. Thanks so much, I appreciate the encouragement more than I can say. 🙏🙏🌱🌻

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